Baby E

We are having a baby!!! Oh my goodness. I still have moments where I’m in shock.

So, this was not planned at all. The plan was to get engaged, hopefully be married by the end of 2019, and start trying for a family in summer 2020 - aiming for a Spring Break 2021 baby, so I could have maternity leave roll right into summer break! Joe and I had it ALL planned out. Or so we thought.

Then God laughed.

Joe and I are so excited, thrilled, nervous, pumped, anxious, happy, terrified, and all of those brand-new parent feelings that I’m sure everyone gets.

I mean, this ultrasound was at only 13 weeks, and look how stinking cute baby is already!!! How can you NOT be excited to meet this little nugget:

Yet along with the excitement, I also feel incredibly guilty about two things. And it eats away at me daily.

First, I have personally seen so many women struggle to get pregnant. Or, they can get pregnant, but can’t stay pregnant. Or they try and try and try for years and suffer through IVF for it to finally, ecstatically work after so much physical and emotional pain.

Joe and I didn’t have to experience any of that - at least not this for this first baby.

And because of that, I feel guilt. I feel sorrow. I feel this big question of “Why US, God?”

This excitement that Joe and I feel every single day, I desperately want so many of my loved ones to feel this too. They deserve it. They would be incredible parents, and would give their sweet babes so much love that any child could ever want or need.

The most difficult thing about this pregnancy so far - and truly, even more difficult than weeks of nausea and back pain - was the moment we had to tell some family members who have struggled to get pregnant, that we are in fact, pregnant. Accidentally. Their joy for us made me cry even more. When we hung up the phone, I took a deep breath as Joe said “That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” I couldn’t have agreed more.

I had a friend who has struggled with infertility say to me “Jaclyn, your joy doesn’t affect my sadness. I promise. I’m so thrilled for you. Period.” To which I promptly SOBBED.

While she made me feel okay to celebrate, there will always always be that bit of guilt. I feel the same way when someone loses their mom to breast cancer, and I sit there thinking about how my mom survived. Why her? Why us? Totally survivor’s guilt - but I don’t know what you call it for unexpected pregnancies.

Second, that guilt of being able to just get knocked up unexpectedly while so many cannot, is doubled by the fact that (wait…let me just warn you that I’m totally going to say something that most people would never ever admit) I don’t enjoy being pregnant. Like 5% of the time, I’m cool with it. But 95% of the time I am nauseous, have acid reflux and heartburn 24/7, my hips and back are in extreme pain, I can’t catch my breathe after taking like 5 steps, my boobs freaking hurt like hell - which is making my back hurt more, my skin is breaking out, I don’t sleep very well anymore, oh, and I pee like 31 times a day.

I feel like I should be enjoying this. Basking in the bliss of soon-to-be motherhood. The 5% of time that I am enjoying it, is when we go to the doctor and get an ultrasound and hear the heartbeat. It’s the only brief moments that I feel content and excited.

Except, I don’t. I’m just tired and sore and sick.

And that makes me feel so guilty.

Don’t get me wrong - I’m excited to HAVE A BABY. And I thought that I would be excited to be pregnant. I was at first. Until all the symptoms showed up. I just have not felt myself since that day.

Someone else that I love and deserves a baby, could be pregnant right now instead - and be enjoying it 1000%. But instead, it’s me. And I can’t even feign a smile about it some days. Just thinking about that makes me so sad and frustrated in myself.

BUT I will say that the very clear saving grace of all of this is, without a doubt, my husband.

Joe has been an incredible dad-to-be already. Reading the books, checking the apps, kissing my belly and telling baby how much he loves him/her already…rubbing my back and my feet, getting me whatever food I am craving.

If I’m going to do this totally unprepared, then I need Joe. I could not do this without him at all.

Ugh, I am so lucky.

And one quick little rant: telling a woman who you KNOW is having a difficult pregnancy, that you had fabulous pregnancies…DOES NOT HELP. Like, I’m really happy for you, but you’re literally just making me feel like shit all over again. So stop. Also, if I go into a maternity-wear store one more time and tell the cashier that I need a size bigger, and she proceeds to tell me how she never gained weight during pregnancy blah blah…I might cut a bitch.

So, there we go. The raw real-ness of the past few months. The highs and the lows. Definitely some more lows than highs, but that ultrasound, my baby-daddy, and the countdown til baby are my highest of all highs.

Honestly, I truly just can’t wait for baby to be here, and smell that sweet baby smell, and smooch those chubby, soft baby cheeks. That’s all I want at this point. And healthy/10 fingers/10 toes obviously. :)

xo,
Jaclyn