Thirty.

Well, it's here.

I woke up at 4 this morning, unable to sleep. For some, it's just another number. Another year. But it's kind of hitting me like a brick wall.

I could sit here and write about beaming rays of sunshine in my life, or I can be raw and REAL. So that's what you're going to get, because I'm finally going to start listening to Queen Oprah. I'm going to actively put out into the universe the things I want in life, instead of keeping them to myself. So...

Turning thirty, while still single and without children, is hard for me. Never once have I felt pressured by my family, but totally my own inner-self. I always thought by this point in my life, I would be "settled." Or at least my idea of what "settled" looked like. A husband, whom I can laugh with, trust, talk about our days, travel the world together, and navigate the ups and downs of life with. Children, or even just one child, to hold and cuddle and smell their sweet baby smell.

Maybe my idea of "settled" has been off though. Just because I turn 30, doesn't mean I'm giving up on those things I hope for in my life. Not at all. But from this day forward, I won't shed another tear when I think about feeling alone. I actually usually feel pretty independent and perfectly okay as "single" ...or dating ...or even after a relationship ended. But this past year of 29 has felt rough, and the as the days grew closer to "30," I have been getting more and more emotional thinking about where I am in life, and that I'm here alone.

There's a huge part of me that beyond adores my life right now. I really do. I have so many blessings already, which is why I'm going to turn this post around and talk about thirty blessings in these past thirty years. But I would be completely lying if I said that along with all of these blessings, there isn't a void in my life. I pray that the void is filled when the time is right.

So today, at this early hour, I am choosing to count my blessings, and feel eternally grateful for each and every one of them.

Yesterday, I cried a little bit. Today, I'm going to celebrate. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But TODAY is about thirty!

So, here are my top thirty blessings over the first thirty years of my life:

1. Mom. Thank you for being the absolute greatest mom I could ever hope for. Over the years, you've been able to maintain the "mom" status, while also becoming my very best friend. Your guidance, strength, and unending love inspires me everyday.
2. Dad. You are the absolute joy in my life. I know I get so much of my personality from you, and while that means a goofy sense of humor, it also means the Italian temper. And I'm 100% okay with it. Your passion and over-expressions in everything you do resonate so much in all of my memories. You have always put your family before everything else in life, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
3. Zach. My only sibling. I love the poop out of you. We are the only two people in this world that will understand our childhood, and appreciate all that has gotten us to the place we are in life. I am so proud of the man you have become. Thank you for supporting me unequivocally. 
4. Karmen. I always prayed for a sister when I was young. That prayer was answered the day you married my brother. Thank you for bringing my little brother so much joy. I admire your intelligence and character. I can't wait to be an Auntie to your children one day.
5. Beau & Max. And all puppies. I was blessed to have the best doggies in the world, and I'll never understand why just seeing a dog lights up my day, but they're the best!
6. Grandparents. I am so lucky to have known each of my 4 grandparents, and have a relationship with them. I have 1 grandparent left, and I am going to make sure from this day forward, I soak up as much as I can from her.
7. Aunts & Uncles. I have aunts and uncles that I know I could call and ask for help, and they'd be there at the drop of a hat. Not everyone has this blessing in life.
8. Cousins. I know every single one of my cousin's names. There are people in this world that do not! Or have never even met their cousins! This is CRAZY to me. Many of my cousins, I am incredibly close with. Since I didn't have a sister growing up, some of these cousins felt like my big/little sisters. The relationships we formed, and continue to form, are frankly more important to me than friendships. Blood is thicker than water ;)
9. Friendships that have lasted. Emilee. Lauren. Mary. Joe. You are the top 4 that come to my mind. I am lucky to have so many more, but you all have been there for so long, and I have learned so much from each of you. Loyalty, support, forgiveness, love, laughter. I cherish all the years of friendship we've had, and look forward to many more!
10. Friendships that have failed. From each, I've learned something. How to say I'm sorry and how to mean it. How to forgive. How to move forward. How to keep my mouth shut. How to listen. How to understand.
11. Ex-boyfriends. See number 10. Same thing. ;)
12. My education. Without it, I would not be here. I am so grateful for the teachers that had that lasting impact on me. Feehery, Woodburn, Friedinger, Feehan, Sniadecki, Bonebrake, Mikula. You gave me everything. Everything I needed to succeed. I will never ever be able to repay you.
13. My career. It's what I have lived for. I know a lot of people say that work is just a means to an end. But my career in education is SO MUCH MORE than that. I wake up happy to go to work every day. I might not be happy all day, everyday. But I am happy everyday at work. Every. Day. I am so eternally blessed for the school I work at. From the administration, to the colleagues, to the community and to the...
14. Students. Every single one of you will never know how much YOU teach ME. Thank you for keeping me alive on days I feel not so wonderful. The joy I feel, and the laughter I experience in our classroom is unmatched.
15. Wine. Remember when I used to think wine was gross? Up until about the age of 23? How dumb was I??? So dumb. I love you, wine.
16. Travel. All over the beautiful USA, to Italy, Germany, Greece, Czech Republic, Netherlands, England, Canada...and to hopefully so many more places in the future!
17. Books/Netflix/Movies/Music. Thank you for giving me an escape from reality every once in a while. Whether I'm lost in the pages of an amazing book, or binge watching 8181987 hours of a damn TV show, or memorizing every single word to every song on a Spice Girls CD, I appreciate the solitude of mentally getting away from life.
18. Deep-dish pizza. CHICAGO I MISS YOU FOR THIS REASON ALONE.
19. The mountains. See half of the previous blog posts. :)
20. Skiing. Again, see previous blog posts :) This is where my heart truly is. Sliding down the mountain in the winter...or spring. My ultimate happy place.
21. My health. For how much stupid stuff I've done in my life, I'm relatively healthy! Thanks, human body!
22. Target. Is there anyone who wouldn't feel like Target is a blessing in their life?! Or a curse. Either way, thank you, target.
23. My childhood church, St. Anthony's. It's here where my faith was birthed and molded. Not only that, but my grandfather designed and built the church. A big piece of my heart will always be stuck in those pews.
24. Babies & Kids in my life. Nick, G, Easton, James, Charlie, etc...I love seeing my friends and family have babies! The joy they bring to this Auntie's life is something I can't even put into words. I just want to squish all their cute chubby faces!!!
25. Harry Potter. You can laugh all you want, but the life lessons I learned from these books from the age of 11 until 20 will forever stay with me...Always.
26. Cookbooks/Pinterest. I'm Italian. But up until about 6 years ago, I'd say I was an awful cook. Then one day I bought a cookbook. And I searched Pinterest. And I just kept trying. A lot of failed dishes, but I think I'm a pretty darn good cook now, and I'm so grateful I didn't give up after a few botched recipes.
27. Running. I don't do it as much as I'd like. But I've run a 1/2 marathon, a 10k, 2 marathon relays, a handful of 5k obstacle courses, and numerous trails. There's something about running and breathing in the fresh air that helps me to clear my mind. It will always be my favorite way to stay active. (besides skiing and hiking...)
28. Dorothy. My esthetician and friend! Thank you for teaching me so much about skincare. I am 30 and have the skin of a 13  year old. It's not fun. At all. But you help me take such good care of my skin and teach me to think about the future of it!
29. The ability to write. *See all blog posts, facebook posts, or previous essays in high school and college. (And those few times I wrote friend's essays in college.) I'd love to write a book one day. Unfortunately, I'm not super creative. Maybe one day an idea will come to mind! Maybe it will be in this decade? :)
30. My faith. My God. My Savior. Look, to each their own, but...personally...I am nothing without Jesus Christ. His love is e v e r y t h i n g .

Alright. 30 blessings. As the numbers increased, the tears subsided, and the smile grew. I continue to pray for God's plan in my life; that I recognize it, that I acknowledge it, and that I accept it. Whatever "it" may be.

Cheers to feeling loved by so many on my 30th, and to feeling it all for 30 more.

xo, Jaclyn